Thursday, November 30, 2006

When It Comes To Shit...


Elephants Rock!

How To Poo At Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is al so an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Give a warm smelly welcome.....

To our newest member, theGoose! You all know and love him from his other site babes@thegoose (NSFW). He joins me, Fact or Fiction, Poohbah (aka Dude!) and of course Zini from Cayos.com (NSFW).

Dutch Oven Day Countdown....9 days left

What better way to gear up for International Dutch Oven Day, than by cooking beans in a Dutch Oven! We all know and desire the gassy goodness of beans. We all love and understand the irony of cooking these flatulent farbicators in a Dutch Oven.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

iPoo

Enjoy your iPoo where ever you go! Just plug in your headphones and turn up the stink! You will be jamin' in no time!

Nope....... It's Soap!

The best smelling pile ever!

What could be more fun then washing your stinky ass with a piece of shit?

I dont know!

Go ahead and order your "Nope..... it's Soap" For that loved one this holiday season.

Dutch Oven Day Countdown...10 days left...

Ok people. We are starting the count-down to the International Dutch Oven Day! You have 10 days to prepare yourself for a very flatulent celebration. Today I give you the "Reverse Dutch Oven". Also, be sure to add sulphur rich foods to your grocery list. Foods containing sulphur are what give our ass wind that rotten egg smell! Let us make December 10th. the smelliest day of the YEAR!!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Fart Mask



This totally grossed me out.

he's got game!

Poop stew

Yes, ladies and gents, after two days of eating stew for lunch and supper, I have developped a case of the spattering poo-stew. You all know the kind I'm talking about. That sprays the walls of the toilet bowl. My significant other tells me the reason why he has not asked me to marry him yet is because I say things like "spattering stew-poo" outloud. *Must remember to use my inside voice next time*.

Shouldn't have tried the tricky move..

Nice! And on national TV as well!

Pull-My-Finger Santa

When you pull Santa's finger, he laughs, and farts, and spreads holiday cheer throughout the room.

Listen Here!

Fire Fart

This Gassy fellow can light a candle with his ass!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Ren & Stimpy Dutch Oven Game

Ren & Stimpy Dutch Oven Game Ren & Stimpy are settling down for a restful evening. All of a sudden a deeeeep sound comes from Stimpy... Oh No! Its Gas!

Play the Ren & Stimpy Dutch Oven Game

Blazing Saddles Fart Scene



Lyle: How 'bout more beans Mr. Taggart?
Taggart: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you had enough!

-

One of my all time favourite movie moments, the classic fart scene from Mel Brooks' cowboy comedy masterpiece Blazing Saddles.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

What the fuck?!!!!

Body Odor Rights Activists. I would NOT want to protest with these people!

You have B.O.!!

You sir, smell like ass

Something to be Proud of

2007 DOG POOP CALENDAR

Each month features a beautiful image, but in every picture is a nice picturesque pile of dog poop. Professionally photographed, these pictures are almost breath taking, and yet totally disgusting at the same time. Packed with fun facts and stories about dog poop, this calendar is an ingenious gag gift for both the dog lover and the dog hater!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

An ode to the Poo


An ode to POO!

Poo is brown and very smelly,
It starts of as food then goes to your belly.
Then begins the tricky bit,
Turning all that food into shit.
Your stomach churns and packs it tight,
It festers through the quiet night.
It's morning time, so you awake,
Bits to wash and coffee to make.
Get all dressed up and grab your gear,
Leave the house and start to feel queer.
Then just as you settle in your car,
You know that you won't make it far.
'Coz in your tummy things are rumbling,
Your feeling warm the sweat is tumbling,
Buttocks clenched you head back to the house,
Taking steps just like a mouse.
Walking like you have limb issues,
Just dreaming of those soft ply tissues.
Get to the door, the key won't slide,
You start to feel the turning tide.
Bubbling, rumbling, aches and pains,
You're praying that you leave no stains.
Gently hopping up the stairs,
Trying not to mess your wares.
You make it to the porcelain room,
Looking for the bowl cleaning broom.
Bite the stick and start to wheeze,
Give a cough, then a squeeze.
And then it's over, you dropped your hat,
I don't remember eating that!'
You can now relax; your day is free,
From the hindrance that is Poop and Pee.

Poo-Ed

Why Does Poo Stink?

Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.

The Poo Wee song!

The Poo Wee song....the poo wee song!

REMINDER! International Dutch Oven Day!


Remember folks, December 10th is International Dutch Oven Day! Start preparing your gassy grocery list. We only have 2 weeks to prepare for the gassiest day of the year!!! So stock up on the 3 essential "B's". Beans, Broccoli and BEER! Spread the Word, so we can spread the stink! If you don't know what a Dutch Oven is, then see the original post!

Baby Fart

Friday, November 24, 2006

Rate My Fart



Rate My Fart is a fun site where you and your friends can hear actual farts, submit and upload farts, rate farts, vote on farts, and connect with other extremely gassy people.

What gross bodily function are you?

Do you know? Take this quiz to find out what bodily function you are.

This shoud be a surprise to most. My results showed that I was a FART.

What are you?

Bush Poop



Poop on you

Pray To The Porcelain Gods

Church ToiletThe power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.

Amen.

The Fart Thesaurus

Other words for flatus: the nouns: the gas, the product itself, the sound, the types. Thanks to Zini! You stinky fartass you!

Poo Pen??

Feel like writing crap? Then grab ahold of your shit pen! *Courtesy of Tom* Thanks TOM!


Well, after crouching in the reception area of the 'Farts and Poop are Fun' blog waiting for the mists to clear - I am eventually in!

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Gromit and Naomi for letting me enter there precious space. It is warm and moist, if just a little bit stinky.

I will be back from time to time with heaps of steaming updates for you.

But until then, remember people, 'When you feel the lumps, you know it's toooo late!

Mr. Waxman


Here at Farts and Poop are fun, it is not all about shit and farting. It is about any fluid that emanates out of your body. Such as earwax. So I present you with....Mr. Waxman!

Chocolate Milk

Can we get any grosser...?? I think we can.

Shit Fountain

Farting Soundboard

We all love the fun noises that come out of our ass. "Click to Play" to hear the fun!




Click to Play!

Poopies

If you haven't seen this already, this is a must read! The definition of various poopies.

What kind of SHIT is this!?

We all have different poo's at different times. I feel education can help us understand our poo. Todays poo-ed is about "sinkers and floaters".

Were you a sinker or a floater this morning? And Why?

Toilet Knowledge

Ever wanted to know how toilets work? Well today is your lucky day! The more you know, the stinkier your farts become!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

So Full


I just ate sooooo much food! Yummy turkey and ham and potatoes and stuffing.......

Now I just want to be able to take a nice shit and have a nap.

Happy "gobble, gobble" Day!


I just wanted to wish my American counterparts a Happy Thanksgiving! Eat a shit-load of turkey because it makes you fart. And if you are being served sweet potatoes or yams, take some extra helpings! Those are some gas-producing devils right there. Enjoy, eat and fart. Tomorrow there will be an extra large helping left in the toilet!

International Dutch Oven Day

Ok people, mark December 10th. on your calendar! We have proclaimed December 10th. as Dutch Oven Day! Show your loved one how much you love him/her by giving them a Dutch Oven. What is a Dutch Oven? "Blowing hard ass wind under the covers several times and building up stench while your significant other is brushing their teeth and getting ready for bed, then when he/she gets into bed, pull the covers over their head and yell "Dutch Oven" and let them enjoy the stench of your ass gas for at least 30 seconds." Taken from UrbanDictionary.

We will continue to remind you of this great day over the next few weeks (in other words we will remind you to eat alot of beans before the big day!).

Farty Foods!

Want to build up an all empowering fart for International Dutch Oven Day? A fart that will go down in history? A prize winning wind blast? Then check out this list of hot, stinky air producing foods.

Poo + toilet = relief!

Nothing spells r-e-l-i-e-f like a good poo. You know, early in the morning, you wake up, feel uncomfortably bloated. Your pants fit tighter than usual, strange pains in your gut. When the feeling hits you... You have to go for a big shit! Could it be the big rib dinner you ate last night? Or maybe it was the Bran cereal you ate for breakfast the day before? Whatever it was, you zero in on the bathroom, unbuttoning your pants as you make a beeline for the toilet. You sit down, and PAF!!!!!!!!! Out it goes! *sigh*

After that, you know you are going to have a great day.

Have any great poop or fart stories? Any good bodily fluid jokes? Then we want to hear from you!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Stuffies go poop too!